a mirror of reflection

Had a great day despite having so much FML moments for the day.

From the moment I wake up, I got so happy that I know today will be a great and happy day for me. You know why? Because I feel you. Whatever you think it is, yes I’m feeling good because of you. I don’t care if you are a bastard, a heart-breaker, a timid mouse or whatever people call you. Yes, you just made my day. Making my day good yet with a little sadness in it. Sadness? Where does it comes from?

Do you know, for the whole evening I don’t dare to look at you. Fearing for even one tiny millisecond, I will just breakdown right on the spot. Yes, I did my precautions lesson already: Not looking at you directly. Not meeting your eyes. And, I will be able to survive, not going to break down instantly. Nowadays, I start to learn and use all these precautions I’ve learnt to avoid myself from breaking down.

Do you know how bad it is to break down in front of so many people and still ave to answer for it? Let me tell you, it totally suck. All I did for the whole evening was to keep myself entertained, talk to people, keep my brain occupied, avoid looking at you and be happy. Well, I did enjoy myself today and I laugh really a lot. Ok, a little too much. You know, I just want you to see that I’m happy. Ok, I lied. I’m not that happy but I’m still happy to a certain extent. At least I’m looking at a brighter side of the life. I’m happy because I see my dear friends. I’m happy because I know that you are still living so well that maybe you haven’t notice that you have gain a little weight, grow taller by about 2cm and slouching a little bit more. This, I didn’t lie. I swore I did not look at you directly the whole night but I wouldn’t help glancing around. And, I just so happen to notice all these things happening to you. Well, of course I did wonder if you even care or bother or even notice any difference about me. But yea, I know the answer very well even before I go: No. Why would you notice me. There is not a single reason for you to even bother.

I wore long sleeve and pants today. For your sake, for what you have said before. You should know my hatred level for wearing long sleeve and pants. The equation just goes like this:

High body temp + High perspire rate + long sleeve and long pants = Terrible rashes.

You used to get so angry and worried when you heard about gropers. You said wearing like that will not draw them anymore. But do you know I feel it is a lie? I believe what you say but I still get groped. So I don’t know how should I not phrase it like a lie. Ok, maybe not the correct fact.

You know, I still care but I can’t care. Yes, it’s contradicting. I still care everything about you but I know I can’t because of some specific reasons. Not like I get stuffs for everyone but you. You will never know, your gift was the first one I picked but you will never receive it. I didn’t plan to give it to you after I buy it. So instead, I get you something else that everyone else is getting as well. Of course again, I didn’t want to look to you. So I asked for help. Do you know who much I had struggled to come out with the decision? Let me tell you. I struggled ever since I reach there till the moment you received it. Struggling is never an easy emotion for me. I get tensed up very easily.

I stopped here and look at my title again, ‘Outing on 15Feb at Scape.’

Do you know what I realize? Basically 99% of the full entry, I’m writing about you. I didn’t mean it this way but I just can’t help. You know, avoiding looking at you took up all my effort and strength.

You know, I could have abandon everything I have for you and go for another man.

Another man who is older than you and me, freaking rich, has a super nice and comfy car, who loves me more than anything. If I go with him, he can get me anything I like and want. I can get any branded stuffs I want to get at anytime. But I didn’t. I come to realize that no matter how good any man can be, I will never find them as perfect as you. Ok, I know no one is perfect. But to me, being who you are, it is enough and perfect enough for me. Just like any other guys who asked me out on Valentine’s Day, I turned them all down even when some of them really have the good qualities and even better. I simply just give up any guy who tries to date me. So in the end, I end up going for dinner with my best friend.

I guess I just bring myself to date any other guy anytime soon. You know, I can have all the fun and be as close with the guys. But it will never mean the same. No matter how close and good I am with the guys, you are still the only one I love now. So be it. I want nobody else but I don’t want you. All I want is, you to be happy with whoever you wants to. For me, that is enough.

Do you know what I told them? I said: I think you should know this. I’m contented with how my life is now. Even if you can give me more than what he can give to me, it doesn’t matter. Because what matters is, I love him. So, don’t wait for me. You can get some girl a lot better than me out there, as I think I won’t move on so soon.

Till this moment,

I love and miss you.

Even though you don’t belong to me but her.

sugartown-:

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J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1945 (via quote-book)

Robert Brault (via quote-book)

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ellarosee:

itschiah:

melittlestar:

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